As families gather for the holidays, some people will notice aging loved ones are struggling more. Memory problems can be especially worrisome for seniors who live alone. Money management can be difficult, and they can be more vulnerable to scams.
It’s why Vermont’s five Area Agencies on Aging see a big uptick in calls to their helpline about this very issue, said Sam Carleton, director of resource navigation at AgeWell, which serves counties in northwestern Vermont.
“Right after Christmas, it’s like clockwork,” he said.
These agencies have trained case managers on staff who can help families navigate this issue, said Carleton.
“We’re always client-focused,” he emphasized, “so the older loved one needs to be on board, but their staff can help facilitate difficult conversations about money management and offer potential services that might help.”
Staff can also help caregivers with important documents like a power of attorney, a legal form that authorizes someone to make financial decisions on your behalf, Carleton added.
Banks or credit unions may also be able to provide guidance, and Vermont has a legal website that can help.
Your loved one’s primary care provider may also be a good resource as many practices include case managers.
How to know if there’s a problem
It’s important for family members to look out for red flags, said AARP caregiving columnist Amy Goyer. Is mail piling up? Do you notice unopened bills? If you have access to your loved one’s computer, are there lots of unopened emails or late payment notices?
“Pay attention to your loved one’s spending habits,” Goyer said. “If you notice an unusual amount of shopping or see them spending big money on things they don’t usually spend on, they may be experiencing a scam.”
That can lead to tough conversations, Goyer said.
“If someone doesn’t feel that they’re having any trouble, they may be defensive and not want you looking at their personal business,” she said.
The approach is important
Timing matters; so does your tone, said Goyer.
“If you’re gathering for a holiday meal, I don’t think at the dinner table is the best time to bring this up,” she said.
Instead, set up a future conversation that can be more relaxed and thoughtful.
“If you’re gathering for a holiday meal, I don’t think at the dinner table is the best time to bring this up.”
Approach the topic without criticizing, and avoid sentences that start with “you.”
“You shouldn’t be doing that anymore, Mom,” will likely be a turnoff, Goyer explained. Instead, she recommends “I” sentences: “How can I support you or ease some of your workload?”
According to Goyer, a specific task can be more manageable and provide a stepping stone to discussing finances more generally.
“‘The end of the year is coming up, Dad, can I help you with your taxes?'” she suggested as an example. “Or, ‘I’m worried about the utility bill not getting paid, can I help with that?'”
You could also try an indirect approach. Instead of asking about your loved one’s finances, bring up this article, or talk about someone you know in a similar situation as a way to broach the topic.
Another tip Goyer offered is to think about who should be part of this conversation.
“In many families, there are certain family members that our loved ones trust on certain topics,” she said. Maybe your sister’s a doctor, so she gets the medical questions, while your math-wiz brother is the one mom calls with financial problems. It can also help to include a professional, like the attorney or accountant your loved one already has.
These conversations can be tricky, and not everyone may agree on the best way to help. “So remember,” advised Goyer, “you’re all on the same team.”
Helpline number
Vermont Association of Area Agencies on Aging helpline: 1-800-642-5119
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